The Power of Nobody
Friends!
Ok. After a few weeks of love and celebration, I am going deeper on something a bit more "complicated." While this idea was offered to me decades ago, I am still a "work in progress" trying to embrace its meaning and trying every day to adjust to what I believe is its fundamental truth and therefore value.
Are you ready? Here it comes:
The goal in life is to become a nobody
Let that sit for a bit. Say it out loud. Why does that sound so counterintuitive? Why does it go against every grain of your beliefs and role as a parent, teacher, leader, or human? If it doesn't, you should probably be congratulated and celebrated. It might mean you have graduated and evolved in the school of life. I am still a mere student, so if that is the case, let me know, and please help me!
We are trained, from VERY early years, to answer questions around: What do you want to become when you grow up? Those things are always tethered: who we are and what we do. Our entire education system is centered around vocations, careers, skills, and "preparation" for the role of somebody. We are all, to a large extent, being trained to be HUMAN DOINGS more than HUMAN BEINGS.
I am NOT saying that trying to be somebody is wrong. Of course, it isn't. At least, not literally. But, spiritually is a different matter.
The way I see it, there is a "problem" with our obsession with SOMEBODY.
When you define your happiness and serenity by an association to being SOMEBODY, your circle of influence and control is small. You tend to be "limited" in your physical, emotional, and spiritual landscapes to the immediate surroundings of YOU. In turn, you sit confined to a smaller room with monochrome views. If you can lose yourself in something much bigger than you and "diminish" yourself, the rooms, the vistas, and the beauty expand. Suddenly, things are technicolor.
For anyone who loves the outdoors, this is super obvious. Being lost in the mountains, the water, or the desert reminds us how small we are. In theory, it sounds terrible to be made to feel smaller. And yet in practice, it feels empowering, enriching, and energizing. The same is true whenever we are fortunate to help someone in need or just simply bear witness to people recovering from hardship or overcoming significant challenges. And of course, billions of people each day still find solace and meaning in world religions, volunteer work, and selfless gestures all around. So, it is clear that we all value this type of work for others. It seems to me that our current culture might be chasing the wrong goal, barking up the wrong tree. If more selflessness makes us happier, isn't it time we elevated NOBODY as an equally important ideal as SOMEBODY?
I can't say it any better than David Brooks articulated in an NYT column in 2011:
“Today’s grads enter a cultural climate that preaches the self as the center of a life. But, of course, as they age, they’ll discover that the tasks of a life are at the center. Fulfillment is a byproduct of how people engage their tasks, and can’t be pursued directly. Most of us are egotistical and most are self-concerned most of the time, but it’s nonetheless true that life comes to a point only in those moments when the self dissolves into some task. The purpose in life is not to find yourself. It’s to lose yourself.”
— DAVID BROOKS IN 2011 NYT COLUMN "IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU"
I know this outlook is at odds with our current culture. And I also recognize that so much of current culture is good and valued by so many. Replacing what we know with something we don't know is scary, and we might feel we are throwing out the baby with the bathwater. However, I am not suggesting a revolution. I am merely trying to inspire us to recognize that ultimate happiness comes from surrendering our obsession with our own egos. And it is NOT a new insight or lesson. Just read or listen to Moses, Jesus, Prophet Muhammad, Buddha, or any original religious text. Or, if that is not your cup of tea, read Martin Buber, Karl Popper, Isaiah Berlin, or Maimonides? Or most philosophers, really.
When we lose ourselves in something bigger than ourselves, our worries and concerns diminish. We find ourselves. Most people seem to agree that our current culture has become way too centered around me and less about we. I wrote about it here before.
We celebrate SOMEBODYness a lot. We love the hero's journey and the celebration of winners. They manifest our inner yearning and desire to be noticed. But what if we celebrated more of the HOW and less of the WHO, wouldn't we all be better off? Ultimately, life and success are about habits and behaviors and less about a specific outcome or a particular achievement.
One place to look for wisdom is to read or hang out with people in palliative care. While it sounds paradoxical, the terrible passage through the end of life offers so much for how to live. I learned this from my friend William Spear in the mid-1990s when he suggested I should read Rinpoche's book The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. Bill has since kept inspiring me to turn my attention inwards, so that I can be more effective outwards. For this, I am forever grateful.
In the forward to this book His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama says:
“As a Buddhist, I view death as a normal process, a reality that I accept will occur as long as I remain in this earthly existence. Knowing that I cannot escape it, I see no point in worrying about it. I tend to think of death as being like changing your clothes when they are old and worn out, rather than as some final end. Yet death is unpredictable: We do not know when or how it will take place. So it is only sensible to take certain precautions before it actually happens. Naturally, most of us would like to die a peaceful death, but it is also clear that we cannot hope to die peacefully if our lives have been full of violence, or if our minds have mostly been agitated by emotions like anger, attachment, or fear. So if we wish to die well, we must learn how to live well: Hoping for a peaceful death, we must cultivate peace in our mind, and in our way of life.”
— FOREWORD TO THE TIBETAN BOOK OF LIVING AND DYING BY SOGYAL RINPOCHE (1994)
This is not a simple idea. But it has the benefit of being the right one.
I still have plenty of "unfinished business." Literally, figuratively, and spiritually. But less and less so. And more and more, I recognize that I want to improve my inner tranquility and elevate and intensify my commitment to breathing, smiling, and just being. Or a slightly different twist to Buddha.
I don't want to DO something.
I just want to BE here.
Here are some (old and new) sources of inspiration on the journey to losing yourself in something bigger than yourself:
The film Becoming Nobody is the story of Ram Dass, an American spiritual teacher, psychologist, and author who wrote the famous book Be Here Now and helped popularize eastern traditions in the west.
This podcast interview by Dr. Mark Hyman with Rameshwar Das who has recently written a book about Ram Dass, called Being Ram Dass.
The David Brooks column quoted above if you want to read it all. His latest book, Second Mountain, is very much about this journey.
I really enjoyed this article by Bill Taylor, founder of Fast Company Magazine, about how to stay optimistic (when everything is awful). Liked his new manifesto in there as well as the HBR article referenced. Well worth a read.
Great post by Adam Grant who was a guest at Angela Duckworth's Character Lab post on foregoing "what do you want to be when you grow up" and rather asking "what kind of person do you want to be?”
And if you want to practice meditation I like Sam Harris Waking Up app with daily 10 minute meditations as well as a training course to get started. Investing 10 minutes every day to just being will return incredible benefits to health, love, and happiness.
Have a great week, and let's help ourselves to BE HERE NOW!
